Saturday, 14 February 2009

'Extinct' Beast Makes Come-Back

Via the concrete jungle of the Hagley Rd comes exciting natural history news. A species that Mr.Cameron had assured us was extinct is, apparently, still flourishing in its natural habitat of the Tory backbench undergrowth. Rumours that the introduction of the non-native species of 'Red Toryism' (Christian Democratius Imitiaticus) had pushed the formerly dominant 'Thatcherite Beast' (Hidden Handicus Roundyourthroaticus) out of its ecological niche prove false. The Beast still stalks the land.

This charming little fellow, once thought to be emblematic of Britain, has been recognised by its distinctive excrement, which is colloquially referred to as a ' Ten Minute Rule Bill' by seasoned Beast watchers. The general public may take some persuading of the fact, but experts assure us that poking through the entire spoor of this creature is a highly educative experience.

"It's definitely the Beast", said Dr. Ronald Madeupname of the University of Neasden, " Only the Beast's excrement can contain both a reference to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights' clauses on free choice of employment and a call for workers to be able to 'freely' negotiate wages below the minimum wage. It's very unique and distinctive shit."

As yet, the Beast itself has not been sighted. But scientists are so confident that it is present that they have provisionally allocated names to the expected members of the pack: Mr. Christopher Chope, Mr. Peter Bone, Philip Davies, Mr. Nigel Evans, Mr. Greg Knight, Mr. Edward Leigh, Mr. Ian Liddell-Grainger, Mr. Brian Binley, Mr. William Cash, Mr. Robert Syms and Mr. David Wilshire

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